I know it's not much for me to come out and say this so anonymously but to tell you the truth I don't think it's in any of my business to come out and tell everyone what's going on in your life. In truth not even I know...
Look, I know you are struggling and I understand that moving on and stepping forward has been so hard for such a long time. I understand how difficult it can be to trust that not everything stays horrible and bad; that there's somehow a light out there amid the darkness. Trust me, believe me, I know.
For the most part you'll read this and be skeptical. How could anyone know what it's like but you? Surely this is just another one of those posters on the bus stop, another one of those cheap 'hang in there' slogans brought on to help stave off an ever growing population of graves, more and more of which hold occupants of their youth rather than of the ages.
But this is not that kind of message.
I've been there. I've seen what happens to people who let the darkness of their life take them. I've watched people die as a result of 'giving in' and 'not caring anymore'. There's always hope, there's always a reason, and there's always another option. Oh society will tell you otherwise, they'll say it's better to give up then continue to hurt. That's a lie. The biggest lie ever told.
There's always a reason to keep going, to press on, to never give up hope that there is a light. You've made it this far in your life and you've done much more than you think you have.
Death isn't an end to hurt, it's beginning to a new hurt... not for you but for everyone whose ever loved you. Your death will shake the very lines of time in other people's lives.
They will miss you and they will grieve, probably for the rest of their lives. They'll never forgive themselves, they'll never stop seeing your shadows on the wall or hearing your voice on the wind.
You may think your life is meaningless, that you are nothing but a blip on the map of eternity, and maybe you are. Yes, maybe you are just a blip, but you have to remember that without you life isn't the same. The people you meet will never know you, they'll never get to know this wonderful person whose so strong and amazing.
Put down the blade and take a moment to look to the sky. Billions of light years lay before you, billions upon billions of lives come and gone. Many of them have suffered just as you have and maybe some gave in because they believed that foolish notion that there's no other option but to end it all. They were spoon fed that lie for so long they believed it.
The stars we see tonight will be stars that have long since burned out. Their light is just a memory, a blip in time. But that shining light is all that it takes for people to be in awe of them. To want to explore them, get to know them better. They give us radiance in place of a memory, a long lived memory. Memories from a life that wasn't just 13 years or even 1,000 years. Stars die because they grow old but even in the darkest of skies they are there, shining bright as can be as a beacon that 'hey, I am still here!'. A light in the darkness.
You're in pain, I know. It hurts, the voices in your head keep screaming at you to do it. They'll torture you and burn you but you have to fight them. You have to find that reason; that hope. You can, I know you can. The pain that doesn't kill us by its hand only makes your spirit stronger.
The hurt you feel will not last forever. Yes, the memories are things you will never forget but those memories aren't your undoing either. They'll not only remind you of how much you suffered but how you survived. The scars will stare back at you as a reminder of the pain but they'll also show you how the body heals; how the spirit heals once it takes control. The heart is unbreakable when the spirit is untamed. The lassos of hopelessness and despair won't let go until you break them.
It's hard, I know... I won't promise you it'll ever be easy. You'll have days where you falter and feel the claws of those demons on your back, but if you believe you can fight them... Who are they to say you can't?
This belief that there are no other options is a lie. A lie made up by people who don't know what to do. They don't know because they don't understand. They think it's best to try and give you the cleanest option there is, the softest landing.
6 foot of cold earth is not soft but it is a landing. Your final landing. There is no coming back from death. You can pretend like it's okay, that everyone else will be fine but they won't be. They never will be. Even those who you think don't care do and will in the end. They will weep and they will break down. They will never be able to breathe again because deep down there will be a pain within them so sharp and profound that it will cut to their core with every breath.
For them their torture will be not ever having the chance to help. They'll question themselves and then hate themselves for it. They'll blame themselves for not being there, for not doing more, and they will wish you were still around.
Trust me, I have seen it all before and it hurts more than you know.
This is a hard and difficult world we live in but it's not without hope just yet. There is still good in this place, it's small and sparse but it's there. Within the cracks of a society where 'look the other way' is second nature there are still people holding out their hands to grasp yours, to help you. It doesn't seem like it because you are so caught up in thinking this world is nothing but dismal and miserable; that no one sees your pain and never will.
You're wrong, so very very wrong.
They see it, they know it, and they can help it if you let them.
No one should have to walk this journey alone, not even you. You've been alone for too long and now it's time that you reach out and take the hands offered to you.
It may take a while and it will seem hopeless at times but know this, the only time you ever truly fail is when you give up. Failure isn't always not succeeding in the way you wanted to, it's more about not realizing that what may result is a success even if it's not the outcome you'd imagined. Opportunity is everywhere, even when it seems nowhere in sight.
Can you trust me?
I'm talking to you because I've been there. I've seen the end of and I've come back to tell you the end isn't 'the end'.
Even stories don't ever die out, they're remembered and they're rewritten throughout time by those who read them. They pass them on and although the pages may wither and fall into dust those stories live on.
Lights in a dark world. Stars in a darkened sky.
Listen to them, feel them, let them help you.
They are out there and they want to help you.
Death isn't the answer or the solution, it's the temptation of a lie. They say it will end suffering, the voices, but they're lying to you. They'll prolong it. The suffering doesn't end with you, it will begin.
Everyone is born into this life for a reason, no matter how small or minute it may see. You may just be one more person but you are a piece of history. Yeah, you probably won't ever be written about in a book, but who knows? Who knows if in the next 100 years children won't be reading about the first female president who came up from a childhood of abuse, the president who helped thousands more to overcome their own abuse?
Whose to ever say they won't read about the first man to build a car that runs on nothing but air, and he came from a childhood where he was assaulted?
You don't know because you're not supposed to know. That's the beauty of it! Death is a lie, the greatest lie ever told and it's often our own minds that tell us death is the answer; the solution.
But it's not... Life is.
The average human lives to be 70 years of age... that's a short time in the writings of history but a heck of a long time to live. Many people have done so much in that time, some had even less time. They made a difference because they did not give up. They fought back against their own demons and those who would hold them back, down, and away from their dreams.
Life is the answer. Years spent in darkness are years spent preparing for the greatest moment life could ever give you. The day you see the lights in the sky and hear the stories they have to tell you. The day you come to realize you aren't alone and that you never truly were.
You can live to see that moment if you just hang on.
Trust me, believe me when I say the end isn't today, tomorrow, or even in 200 years. The future is uncertain and what will happen can never be pre-written. Not everyone is destined to succeed in spectacular ways, this is true, but everyone is destined to succeed in some way, shape, and form.
You may spend the rest of your life working as a waitress in a diner barely making ends meet but the success is there.
You may never go to the moon or become that childhood dream but the success is there.
Success is believing things are still possible even when they're not happening. Believing is having hope in places where there is none.
There is always an opportunity to try again.
Look to the stars, hear them. Let them tell you their story. Let them tell you you're not alone, that they will be there. That they have always been there all along. In your darkest of hours they have always been there shining bright and beautiful, even in their own death they shine for you.
Let them help you.
Let us help you.
Give us a chance to shine for you in your darkest moments?