For those who've been asking and wondering about what has been going on with me and why I've been sort of... distant/reclusive/non-responsive I've just got to say that remember that post I did a little while back about being in a really bad place right now?
Well... it's not gotten any better and it's gotten surprisingly worse (if possible).
This isn't just some mild 'problem'... I think this kind of thing is kind of serious, I don't know. To me it's just everyday life so...
Anyway,Apparently what I experienced today was a mental and physical breakdown. Second in my life; the first being a few days after my grandfather died back in some years back.
After posting that little 'vent' to Tumblr earlier yesterday morning I went out to go make some breakfast when the coast was clear.
I got up feeling woozy but thought nothing of it until I got to the kitchen and fell onto the floor. Now, I'll be frank with you...I can't quite remember all that happened and it's just now coming back to me in an odd haze but according to my mother this is what happened:
I was shaking and twitching apparently, muttering something (hell if I know what it was).
She tried to tell me to get up but I refused so she sat me up and I sat there shaking in her arms staring at nothing.
Catatonic is the word maybe? Idly staring at nothing for an extended period of time... (Sorry I'm still trying to figure out what the heck happened because I'd like to know to be honest with you)
Then the next thing I remember is coming to crying so hard my chest and stomach hurt.
I can't say I'm scared about this happening but I am concerned as to what's going on.
I suffer from a severe form of panic/anxiety disorder; not just the occasional attack every once and a while... I get them daily now and I guess they're getting more and more progressive.
This 'breakdown' (the term tastes so sour to say but) was either caused by the disorder or perhaps malnutrition. I've been talking on and off all day/night with a few friends, one who is studying psychology at the moment and he said it's more than likely my brain and body reacting to keeping emotions/things locked up.
Not too sure about that... then again, I can't argue with it either.
The proof is in the pudding as they say given by the fact earlier yesterday morning I was reduced to a shivering and sobbing wreck with littler personal recollection of the event.
Kind of ironic my mother was the one to find me and help me up. She spent most of the day avoiding me after that though... and every time she looked at me she just kind of looked away and went on doing whatever she had been doing before I was around.
My dad doesn't know it happened though. Not yet anyway. I don't know if I'll tell him or not, it'd probably just cause problems or make him feel guilty as everything does these days. I also have manic depression but so far despite it being as present as ever, that seems to be... almost tolerable lately.Either way I'm not sure what to do. I tried to keep it under wraps for the most part but people are apparently concerned about me so here I am posting what's been going on. Many of my watchers who've been asking don't follow my Tumblr (it's easy to find, trust me) so I figured I'd post something here.
I'm not sure what to say other than I'm basically a wreck. Probably dying or killing myself slowly from whatever the hell is going on in my brain/mind.
I don't sleep well, I can't/don't eat well... I'm NOT suicidal but I sure as hell don't feel like living very much.
At least I still have art...somewhat, although doing that has been something of a pain more than usual. I find myself sketching and hating everything so I just goof off and draw random crap that either makes no sense at all (even to me) or I wind up getting rid of later on.
So yeah... there you go. What's been going on in my blip of a life. Nothing but random bad stuff. Surprised? Probably not with the reputation I have these days.
If you're wondering how I can be so 'willy nilly' about all this... I haven't much choice. I don't have a clue what to do and it's not like I actually have a bunch of friends who can be there and help me through this.
Even the one person who should always be there for me seems too wrapped up in his own things to give a damn, so I am literally alone for the most part.
Stuck in a vicious cycle of random shit that just keep on going until I die or something gives in and gets better after my trying for so f*cking long.
Now you know.
PS: I honestly wish I was making this all up. That I could honestly wake up to find all of it was just some stupid nightmare and that everything would be better now that I'm awake. Unfortunately that's not going to happen, no matter how many times I pinch, punch, and beat myself up I keep waking up in the same sorry state.
No, I don't want pity or to be berated for my feelings... I'm sorry I can't help feeling rotten. It just happens... comes with being a total f*ck up for most of your life and being born with a defective brain/chemical balance or whatever.
If I could get rid of it, trust me... I would in a heartbeat.
I've also been trying really hard to keep most of this kind of stuff to myself or on Tumblr because I've learned my lesson about posting stuff like on dA. For some reason it attracts undesirable attention from certain folks and I'd sooner not have that.
Still... it was asked and requested that I be honest with you guys, so yeah... I am sorry for the virtual spilling of sappy soppy sorry soapbox residue. PSx2: I know there will be people offering their help and extending friendly hands. Believe me, I may very well accept the offers if only to have some friends. It sounds pathetic, yeah I know... but at this point online friends are still friends imo.
However, please don't be offended if I don't come running to note you and spill my guts to you.
Also, please don't make me feel guilty for not replying to comments here, ok? I'm a bit fuzz-brained right now but I will be reading comments and at least trying to reply to them.
Sorry if I don't or it takes a while.