I came back here this morning to bid a silent farewell to this place, a place I'd been a part of for a long time, and then I see the comments so many of you have left on my page and on the journal that was written by the wonderful Vris. It made me realize a lot of things… some good and some bad.
The main thing it made me see was just how much I had changed as a person and how much I should
try to change further.
There's probably a million and one things I could sit here and say to any one of you but at this point I think actions could speak louder than words every could. I won't sit here and promise that I'll change everything or that I'll become a better person because that won't mean anything if it's just words. Many of you have stood by me and helped encourage me through hard times and praise me through good times. For that I am eternally grateful and I can only hope that I can somehow be just as amazing as you are one day.
To some of you I have become something of a hassle or a snob. I admit, my attitude isn't
the best but it is a part of me. I am open minded but I'm also open mouthed on many things but I can understand now that perhaps it's time to lay the time of opinions to rest and just keep them to those who know me best for they'll know better when I'm in a mood that I don't mean anything by it.
The few of you who think I need an attitude adjustment yes, you may be right in some areas but in retrospect there's just some areas of my personality that I won't change because in real life they do actually benefit me. Maybe not online but there are times when one can feel so comfortable in a place where they feel as if they can share certain things.
dA has been basically my main hub online for quite some time now and I have come to see it as a place where I can be myself rather than having to put on this façade of a tough guy or something just to keep people at bay. I guess that means I get too comfortable and say too much at times, I can be overly opinionated and even a bit pushy but I never intend to belittle or make anyone feel like their opinions mean any less than my own. I sincerely apologize to anyone who I may have done this to, I didn't realize at the time and I am truly sorry.
I am very very very sorry for being slow about commissions. Yes, I know people are waiting and believe, there isn't a single day that does by that I don't work on them or even plan/plot them out at least.
These commissions mean the world to me not only because they help me pay bills and such, but because they give me confidence that people like my work enough to want a personal piece. I think for anyone that is a huge honour, and as such I want those commissions to be the best I can do so I take a long time on them. I could easily crank them out as I do with personal art but personal art is usually just random ideas I have that have meaning to only me at the time, not others. Their impact on others is happenstance. Commissions are special and I want them to be my best works if possible. This is why they take so long. Still, I do need to work on managing my time more but I do want people to take into account that I do have a life, a job, and other responsibilities to take care of every single day. I cannot always draw, even when I want to or need to. The day doesn't allow more than 24 hours for getting anything done. However I WILL try my hardest to be more diligent and timelier with those commissions.
To the accusations of tracing and such: I reference, sometimes heavily but that is only for personal works, and I always say when I have referenced simply because I don't want people thinking I don't do it like everyone else because I do. I reference a lot and it's helped me to get much better at things.
Anyone is entitled to believe what they want but I know the truth and that's pretty much all that matters, right? It doesn't bother me anymore because rumours will spread no matter what you say to denounce them.
In the past I've said 'I'm leaving' and wound up coming back only a short time later. This perhaps brought on this impression that I'm doing it for attention to many, more than just the trolls I am sure.
The attention it brought was from friends and people who wanted to give their attention mostly but it also brought the attention of people who would continue to watch me and monitor my activity and what I did on account of what others have done before me. While I can't say this is fair I can't say I blame them at all. If the shoe fits… sometime you have to realize you'll wear it regardless of whether or not you like it.
Them having that impression of me is MY fault regardless of whether or not I say it is. I did this and I presented myself as someone who was pushy, arrogant, snappy, and at times rude. I understand that now and although it's only taken a short time to uncover this information please believe me when I say I am sorry. As I said there are times when a place can be comfortable and people can seem so welcoming that you open your mouth and say things you think are innocent and just 'opinions' but you forget that not everyone will agree with you. Some will even stand against you in civility or even hostility.
I agree with many of you that I have acted childish in my replies but again who hasn't? When we get upset we say things even do things that aren't always the best way of handling things.
Some have brought up my ages a factor for my behavior but that's a tad unfair to say the least. Age doesn't dictate anyone's level of tolerance or wisdom and in this day and age we should realize this and leave age out of it. You can be 100 years old and still be as ignorant as a child in many ways of life. It depends on who you are. Still, I will try to be a bit more mature about things.
From now on I think I will keep anything that could be 'rant' related to either myself or even my Tumblr or Blogger. I realize now that even though many will say they don't mind them dA is not a place for rants or vents like what I did. I thought it was ok to place open feelings on a place that was supposed to be about such things but I was wrong. Please don't take this as me saying dA is a bad place because that's not what I mean. I am saying dA is a place where certain things should just be kept silent and out of the public eye. This was MY mistake and I will learn from it finally.
After reading comments here it seems that is the main problem people had; that and my attitude.
Whichever one is worse doesn't matter and whichever one people think needs adjusting doesn't matter either. Both can be fixed by keeping silent at most times and just being who I am but with restraint.
I can't promise perfection and I won't because it's literally impossible to be a perfect human being.
I will have bad days but I will keep them to myself as best I can (spare for some vent art here and there maybe) but please, don't think me be a bad person?
Yes, what people say does matter to me because you are my audience and many of you are my friends. What you say about me leaves an impression on myself and others you speak to. Lately I can only imagine that impression has been terrible and not just because of the trolling on my page(s).
I won't blame them, I left myself vulnerable and open to them and therefore it is my fault they came and it's my fault they lingered here even after I left.
By doing what I did, by saying the things I said, and by acting the way I did I put a sign on my forehead that was familiar to them; something they'd seen many times before. I can't blame them for reacting as they did; I opened the door for them to come in as they did.
I know many of you want me to come back for good but I personally think, if anything, I need a break from here to cool my head and actually do other things aside from worry about trolls and keeping a reputation (shattered or not). This place should be a place you sign on to enjoy but for me it became a place where I was afraid to venture every day despite wanting to see the art and my friends.
This isn't right and this is why I had to walk away. It truly did become too much to handle for me and I knew that if I didn't walk away I would do something stupid (dumber that what I have done previously).
I'm only back here now to try and rectify what has gone down and try to put a different light on things. To help give something brighter in a darkened place right now. I do fear for my reputation because I do have clients who know me through online sites but I also know people who don't know me as well as others who would see something like this happening and it would detour them from continuing business with me.
Yes, I fear this. But…Can you blame me?
The way things happened; the way they went down could have all been avoided and stopped had I not let my emotions dictate what I said. It's something of a curse really, repercussions of how I was raised I guess. Either way, I can change and I know I will, but I will need time to transfer my hopes and ambitions to fruition. It won't happen overnight and maybe not even in a day. I am who I am and although I can put on a mask like everyone else it will take time. I sometimes forget that this is the internet, not reality in a lot of ways, and I see things as if it's not genuine it's wrong. Perhaps a bigoted sense of thinking but I honestly can't help it. I can see the error in it and pretend like I'm different but in the end 'monkey see, monkey do'. My dad and mum are like this very much and despite being an adult I was raised by them and their personality traits did rub off on me. It may be too late for them to change but not me.
When everything happened, when things went down as they did I literally felt powerless to save myself. I felt like the world had come crashing down and there was no way I could stop it. If I had been standing I would have fallen to my knees. It hit me like a ton of bricks and at first I was upset thinking "How did this happen?! What did I do to deserve this?" but now I realize that it happened because I let it happen. I let things get to be too much and I allowed myself to give in and defy my own advices that I'm so adamant in telling to others people. I didn't ignore the trolls and I didn't 'cool off before I wrote'.
Hypocritical is a good word for it but there's another word that's just as powerful: shameful.
I let myself become that which I avidly tried to speak out against, I lied to myself and to others in simply defying every ounce of advice I ever said to people in the same situation.
This is how it happened; this is why it all happened. It was my fault. I know that now and I feel it only right to remove myself from here for a while and really reflect on what is important rather than what is immediate.
Many of my watchers are younger than I am and although I don't feel like much of a role model I should
still try to be a better example to them, if only to show how to behave online.
To those who will say "You don't need to change at all!": Yes, in a lot of ways I do. Not necessarily change who I am, but rather how I behave in certain situations. I let emotions control a lot of what I say and do which to some may seem only right but to others it seems foolish. The best way to do this is to keep emotions for emotional times and keep those times between people who know you better, who can tell when you are just being emotional and stirred up. More specifically the people who can actually see you and be there to cheer you up with more than just words on a screen.
I truly appreciate all of you who are there standing beside me through all this and it means more than you know to see how many people will STILL, despite being yelled at, stand by their own convictions about me. Bravo! I commend you all for being so genuine; it is truly a unique trait these days.
I know this seems like sarcasm but it's not. I am truly impressed and grateful to know people like you exist. Your ways are brash but with every rosebush comes thorns, right? You have to get stabbed by them to get to the beauty. Thank you to you for helping give me a push to reflect upon myself.
So, I will leave this 2,000+ word journal with saying I am not coming back any time soon, at least not in active ways such as uploading art or posting journals. I really need some time away from being here as it's getting to be too much in too little time. I can't handle that kind of pressure. Swarmed with comments and people wanting to talk to you, you wish you had time for everyone but you just don't. Then something like this happens and it spins your world upside down.
I need time and I don't know how much. I may
come back and upload some art from storage (mostly tutorials) but I won't come on and start uploading a gallery again.
If and when I come back chances are I'll bring it anew. I won't keep things of the past around but rather keep them in the past and start over. I think this would be for the best if anything. What's done is done and there's no sense in looking back when you've already learned as much as you can from it, right?
Despite this being something of a horrible experience it has been uplifting in a lot of ways. It has helped me see things I hadn't before and helped me realize a lot.
You guys have been great, all of you (even the trolls, and I mean that in the nicest way possible).
I'll be seeing ya,
-Kato** PS: For those who are going to scream 'don't go' -- 'your art!?' at me know that I am only leaving dA not the internet.
I will still be on my Tumblr, Blogger, as well as Facebook; perhaps Furaffinity but I make no promises on that site either.
Art will mostly be commissions more than personal art but every once and a while I may post a personal doodle or something on Tumbler or my Blog.
I'm pretty sure you could find me easily on Tumblr or Blogger. I only add actual friends on my Facebook though, not just anyone.
I know some people are thinking I'm disappearing forever but it's just dA.
Other sites aren't my main hub as dA was so this place was a bigger deal than others.
Now I need a break from it but I'm not gone forever online. You can find me if you look