I just want to say a few words. Words I've been wanting to say for a while not but haven't had the much-ness or know-how to say; mostly because I didn't want it to come off as just another one of 'those' journal entries. One easily ignored.
Firstly, thank you to all my watchers, followers, and fans. I rarely say 'fans' because to me one would have to be famous to have fans but it seems more or less over the last couple months (or years even) I've become somewhat infamous for all the wrong reasons. More so when it comes to my small circle of friends.
You see, I don't get on easily with others, not online or in real life. More so in real life, mostly out of fear I suppose... But that's neither here nor there. Back on track.
What I'm trying to say is just thank you, for putting up with the crap I've pulled, the misery I've brought on through countless grueling journals about how crap my life is, this, that, and the next thing.
A huge thanks out to those who actually aimed to help in deeper ways than just a comment, those of you who took the time to note me and actually offer your time to just be a friend and let someone vent, let off steam, and just be there as a ear or a shoulder. That meant a lot, more than you know.
To my friends, my true friends, what is there to say other than I owe you my life?
I know at this point it sounds more or less like I'm giving some kind of speech, and perhaps I am? Perhaps it's needed in a time like this? Either way I've got things to say and I'm going to say them regardless on how well or unwell they're taken.
You have the option now to turn back and stop reading because from here on out it won't be a rant, a vent, or some hum-drum melancholy memoir. Yes, some parts may seem down and dull but that is life. You take the good with the bad. For every end there's a new beginning if you can look past the smoke of your smoldering past and see the sun still rising in the sky.
And that's what this is...
I know I haven't been the easiest person to talk to or get to know, I've been told being too bitter is one of my many flaws, same with too nice or something, but that kind of personality trait comes from a price; a terrible price that I'd never wish upon anyone but it's one many of you know and suffer(ed) from as well.
In some ways I've got this website to thank for the many friends I've gained, but I've also got it to thank for showing me the bitter, bad, and cold side of this world. It showed me beauty but it's also showed me the infliction of pain, heartache, and terrible things people will do to each other, and freely at that.
One could weep and pull a fit for every bad thing that ever happened to everyone in this place but if that were the case we'd of all gone mad years back, right?
True, this place does bring in all sorts of rabble, riffraff, and the likes of sour folks traveling just to look for fun at another's expense, but that's just life. There's always people out to do that to you, even walking down the street to your own home. Someone out there is wanting to hurt you and perhaps one day they will. Still, you can't stop walking down the street on account of that, can you? You can't stop believing in a better way just because you know this world is cruel, unfair, and bitter.
So call me bitter and cold but that's for a reason... I don't like getting hurt. I don't like getting used or hurt, so I put up blinders and a shield of this rough and tumble personality but under it all I'm soft. I'm weak. I'm just like you, each and every one of you. I'm a person.
Looking over the years I've been here I've become something of an idol for some people and believe me, that is a true honour to behold. To have someone tell you 'You're my idol, I want to draw as well as you do one day!', there truly is nothing more flattering in the world than to have someone look up to you in such a manner. It's flattering but it's also frightening.
Why? Because it automatically puts you on a pedestal. Suddenly you've got uphold some kind of code of conduct, one you're unaware of, and when you make a mistake it's bitten off tenfold because you were supposed to know better. Why? Because you're an idol. People look up to you, you're supposed to be a good example for those people and everyone else.
So I look back on the comments I get and the notes I receive and although it warms my heart it also scares the living shit out of me to know that so many people see me as that kind of person. Now, I don't mind it one bit. I'd be an idiot and rude if I were to say their thoughts of admiration aren't welcome because I too have idols of my own, a few on this very website. I know how devastating it would be for me to have them shoot me down and disperse my thoughts on them.
For a long time I had no idea what to do BUT I dealt with it in the best way I knew how I tried to be as pleasant, kind, and nice as I could to people who deserved it and I even tried to be nice to those that didn't.
Thing is, I'm not a nice person. Not all the time. I can't be! I mean, who can? Could you be nice all the time? You can try but one day someone is going to say something, do something, or pull something to you and you're going to snap and that's when the hammer will fall and soon everyone and their mum will come to you calling you a liar, a hypocrite, and a beast. It's what always happens whether you want to or not.
I tried to be the good person and take on every commission people asked for, I tried to be a good friend and seek out the best advice I could give, and I did actually try to cast aside my own emotions to make room for those of other people, but it didn't work.
Eventually I took on too much, much more than I could ever handle even with help, I found myself swamped with notes from people asking me 'Dear Abbey' type things about relationships, artwork, home life, depression, anxiety, you name it. I also became something of a spectacle myself when it came to venting my own feelings. I became so overrun with other people's emotions and feelings I drowned myself and didn't even know where to begin with my own. So I blurted things out in honesty but with little subtly at times and a lot of the time it seemed more like I was frothing at the mouth at everything more than just letting off steam.
People began to worry about me and they made it known... At that point I just tried to distance myself and pretend like there was nothing wrong. They didn't need to know, right?
You may be wondering at this point as to what the point of this is, well, it's giving you a bit of insight.
Mostly because I think people have this preconceived notion about me and other artists of my 'caliber' as to how we think, see, and feel about other people when in fact their notions may very well be just sweet fruits harvested from a tree planted on a pile of sour manure.
I never consider myself to be a popular artist. Yes, I know I am but in my mind I'm still just an artist, someone who draws and creates because I enjoy(ed) and love to do it. Favourites and the like aren't important, sure they make one feel good to know many people enjoy their work but the truth is if they went away and disappeared I wouldn't mind. I do artwork because I love to do it. It's my thing. Being popular isn't.
Now, I never was popular in school, at work, or even anyplace else other than here. That's just the truth of it. Being popular scares me and it's mostly because of all the 'press' it gains. Oh sure, you get compliments and comments on how good you are but it is as with life, you take the good with the bad. With every compliment there's always contempt from another party. As to why, I can't say. For everyone it seems to be a different reason. Anyway, point is that while I enjoy the
opportunity to gain feedback on a regular level being well known has it's pitfalls and a lot of them.
That aside there's little else to think when suddenly you find a whole crowd of people who just hate you for what seems like no reason. It's a hard pill to swallow but you do because you figure 'that's life'; happens to everyone. Thing is, you have to be doing something right for people to think you're doing something wrong. It sounds backwards and upside down BUT that's the truth of it.
People hate because they don't know the truth, and they hate even more when they find out they are/were wrong. Some will blame it on jealousy but I don't buy it. Anyone can draw as well as I can and millions of people could probably draw better. My 'talent' isn't a rare find, trust me, I'm well aware. But, I keep at it because it's fun for me and I enjoy it. I'm not looking to market the next Disney film or gain a position at some game company. My work isn't near par with those talents.
So no, it's probably not jealousy that leads to that kind of a following but misunderstanding.
It's easy to say you hate something without knowing about it, when we were kids we'd do it all the time. "I don't like olives!" - "I don't like Peanut butter!" - "I don't like snap-peas!" -- "Well, have you ever tried it?" -- Half the time the answer is 'No'. We say it because we're scared, scared it'll taste bad or make us sick. That or we just say it because we can.
Look, I get it... It's hard to not believe everything you read or hear from others on the internet. Some places and people will make up quite a tale just to be in the right, even if it's slandering someone's good name to make of it. I can't blame people for thinking I'm some kind of scammer whose runoff with people's money and not paid the dues. I can't blame them.
I can't say I'd blame people for thinking I'm some kind of nutter-butter with a chip on my shoulder who rants, raves, and shoots off the handle at every little thing.
But I can't see any benefit in believing it either, and that's just the truth of it.
I'm not a perfect human being, I never claimed to be. This pedestal of perfection and godliness isn't mine and it never will be.
I am a terrible person, yes, I've made mistakes and I've done bad things... But I like to hope that the good things I've done will mean much more than that when I die one day. That people won't remember me as that one artist who took forever to do their commissions, or that one person who bitched a lot and made people's inboxes hellish to go through with all the useless bloody crap they posted.
It's not easy for me to come out and say this kind of stuff because I'm NOT an open person. Not about this kind of stuff... Yeah, I may be honest about particular things and be 'open' about life and how I feel but this is different. I FEEL this in my heart right now as I write it, and I don't get feeling that often.
This message doesn't just go out to my fans and friends... it goes out to those who think ill of me or find me to be some kind of horrible person.
Perhaps I am horrible but there's a lot more to me than just horrible things.
I love the sound of raindrops on the rooftops.
I love to stand barefoot on the pavement and just look up and breathe.
There's nothing better than laying in bed late at night, the window open, and that breeze of fresh and sweetly cool summer air blows in and over you as you sleep.
I hate seeing people in trouble and not being able to help and I always give a penny to any open can, bottle, or tin donation I come across in hopes that even if it's small that tiny bit of help will bring hope to someone who has it worse than I do.
Even if I'm not particularly religious myself I go to church with my grandmum when I can because she has no one else who will sometimes.
I work for my dad because his health is failing and he tries very hard to keep going.
My mom is slowly dying from diseases there's no cure for but I try every day to tell her I love her, even when she can't stand the sight of me.
I've made the biggest mistake with the man I love more than life itself and although I did it and we're no longer together I still think about him every day and whisper 'I love you' to him every night before I go to sleep. Even though he's thousands of miles away and I'll never see him again.
I've saved lives and I've taken some.
So yeah... I may be a bad person, I may make mistakes, and I may have bitten off more than I could ever chew. I'm not perfect. I never will be and I don't want to be.
Because you know what? When you're perfect there's no room for adventure. The fun in life is gone because there's nothing left to do. Perfection is 'it', the end. It's not a goal, it's the end. If you reach perfection in your own mind you've got no further reason to live. Life ends with perfection but it begins with just being 'good'.
I'm not a rockstar, I never won any grand awards in my life, and I've never done great things as far as fame is concerned. But I don't need them.
I've survived every day of this Hell living here and although it's not getting any better that's good enough for me.
My head is messed up, my heart is covered in scars and stitches from all the times it's been ripped apart, and my body is covered in scars for the moments I fell apart. But you know what?
That's just it... I'm still here.
Call me what you will and try to make me out to be a bad person but that label will never stick, more so if you actually get to know me better yourself. I can promise you that. Until then your judgement won't be a judgement but rather a presumptuous notion of knowing someone when in fact you don't. Knowing 'people like me' doesn't count. You don't know me until you know me. Only then can you truly judge me and until then there's no reason to believe you.
I don't take much pride in anything these days but I do take pride in one thing; resilience. If anything it's what's gotten me this far. I've lost hope a lot and I've fallen many times on my journey to where I am now but despite it all I'm still standing. Albeit a bit bruised, battered, and broken but... alive.
You can call me a bad person and any measure of names of ill intent, throw your worst but I know who I am, how I am, and the truth of it. I know where I stand on things, even if they're not always agreeable views to everyone but differences are what make the world go round. I've got few friends but the ones I have are the best damn friends anyone could ever have, and I'll swear it by any god in the universe. My family isn't perfect and yeah, they drive me mad and have done horrible things to me but they're all I've got. My life is small, pathetic, and meager. I'm not rich, smart, clever, or witty by any means but that's alright.
I'm a walking wreck with anxiety enough to shake a crocodile, depression, and all measures of health problems but it only makes me see the good things in life all the better and more precious knowing how fast they can be taken away.
I've lost a lot in my life but I've gained much more.
You see me now as timid and perhaps a bit sheepish but I will promise you this right here and right now... Wrong me, my family, or my friends and I will not hesitate to take action. And, as a measure of good faith I'll then give you Hell's front door key as a trip to the spa.
This is not an idle threat or a call for arms, but a promise.
I've been stepped on, stomped on, and walked all over for most of my life but that ends now. I'm grateful for what I have and although I can't ever promise I won't fall or have bad days, I can promise I'll always come around.
So thank you, I'm grateful to those who've stood by me all these years, and I am grateful to those who haven't. To those who would choose to ruin me and test me, thank you. You've shown me my courage and resolve. I've made mistakes but I've learned from them.
This wasn't written for it to be taken lightly. This kind of thing must go on in the minds of many but few say it in fear of being judged. Well, I've no fear of judgement anymore. I've been judged for many years and it's taught me nothing but tolerance. Understand that people judge because they don't know
. The only way they can know is to investigate. Nowadays when it's so easy to do this for some reason many people choose to investigate the negatives of others than seek out the positives to dispel the negatives. It's easier to taste the bitter olive and say it'll never be anything but a bitter olive without seeing what it can become or what it is.
So yes, this journal was about me and my views, feelings, and vantage on all this but these words come from me to the verse of many minds and mouths.
I've seen it, read it, and hear it for so many and it pains me to know their silence... so I'm speaking out.
Judgement isn't the end of all knowledge. It's the end of understanding that there is no other options.
Don't judge without knowing.
That being said I'm going to leave you with saying I'm sorry for all the wrongs I've done, but thank you for understanding and helping me to understand also.
There's few things more powerful and knowledge, one being understanding that you may be wrong, for when you're wrong you can learn something new.
Thank you for your time,
PS: I'm sorry this journal jumped around a bit on subjects. I wrote it out over a period of a couple days so I came back here and there to write sections at a time.
It's long, I know, but it's important. So please, if you do read it read it all or don't read it at all?
Thank you again <3
PSx2: I'm also well aware that at this point unless you're a robot reading this took more than just a few moments of your time, and for that I give you this
as my thanks as well.